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will eat you.

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starting over. [07 Dec 2005|04:41pm]
goodbye old journal.

friends only this time...

you wanna see??


asked to be added fool.
6 comments|post comment

were so close. [04 Dec 2005|10:32am]
someone please take me away from everything.
thanks. im getting a friends only journal... i hate this shit.
1 comment|post comment

gettin high when were singing this song, grab another b and drink another brew. [27 Nov 2005|12:12pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

last night ab came back from New York and i was so happy to see her.It was weird being so far away from her, but im glad she is back. So jon and I hung out with her and eric last night. Went over to my friend Joes house. Got a little shitty then left and got more food. (Which i really didnt need)But is slept great though. Didnt wake up once until i heard my alarm clock go off.// work is a drag on Sundays, its slower then it is on Saturday.// later im just going to chill with jon. Its sunday and i dont feel like doing anything.

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i read you, god im a good at it. [26 Nov 2005|09:13am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

im tired. This past week has really caught up with me. Im feeling like crap and im stuck at work. Another saturday... same shit i do every weekend.// yesterday was jons birthday and it was chill. He had his friends over and i left early. just because i kinda felt akward. I hate not being introduced to his friends that i really dont know.. and he was running around the house talking to everyone but me. I didnt expect him to be by my side the whole time, I just know i would have delt with things different, like maybe introduce him but still,i thought it was rude... so i went home. Plus i was tired and i didnt feel to good. we talked this morning and i asked him if he was mad at me because i didnt stay,and of course he understood. He was just drunk, and infront of all his friends and i guess its hard to act yourself when your put in that position.// anyways.. its done. Today is a new day & everything will be fine, ill be with him tonight. His parents come home today and im sorta glad.... no more having to deal with whos coming over, how much beer we have, blah blah blaaah shit.
this whole thing just made me think about how things would be if jon lived on his own...i dont think it would work. ugh.
i need to be 18 and do whatever the fuck i want.

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i feel good all over.. [24 Nov 2005|01:34pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Thanksgiving, and what a night last night. Everything worked out fine. for once. // weird, but im looking forward seeing me close family today & eating that damn turkey. I'm waiting for my mom to get done making whatever she's making so we can head on over to my aunts..
i wanna be with jon tonight too. We will have our own thanksgiving.. ;]

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no lies just love [22 Nov 2005|02:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]

the last couple of days have been awesome. Ive been spending it with jon and we are doing great. I have been going through some shit with my parents though & jon has been going through some things as well. But we have eachother to keep us up & i admire that./// today at school we basically had a thanksgiving dinner. i ate way to much and now i feel tired and sorta sick. i have no school this week. im loving it. ill be sleeping in and spending time with my family & jon.
im excited.

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I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful. I'm black & blue all over. [20 Nov 2005|10:59am]
[ mood | content ]

Its like im falling in love all over again. Is that possiable? Its like the moment you think your in it, something just hits you and your falling deeper and deeper.I've had a slow down with jon for awhile. I was begaining to think he was getting used to me. Just the fact that we have been together for so long now that maybe he didnt have anything else to look forward to? like i was getting to old.// but i think way to much// i know he feels for me just as much as i feel for him. I keep falling more and more in love. I maybe young but nobody can tell me what I feel. This is me. This is who i am and who i belong with. He is my everything.

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its good to be in love. [19 Nov 2005|02:08pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Last night was good. Jon and I ended up going over our friends surprise birthday thing. The best part was the food. We left and went over to Chris' house. Sat there and watched them them be high. Jon ended up getting mad for like a good half hour. I dont know what his deal was but he took it ALL out on me. I hate it when he does that shit. He would never do that to anyone but me, but he got the stick out of his ass and jon was back. lol . Picked up Kenny and went over to Taylors house. It was so nice to see people i havent seen in awhile. They all thought i died or something. It was funny. I ended up getting shitty drunk and just having a good time. The cops showed up and Jon, Kenny, Allyn, and i were the the last ones to leave. Stoped at the gas station because i had to piss SO bad. Jon couldnt hold it in any long and peed in the sink. kinda gross but whatever. Chowed down some mcdonald fries and went to caits.
My night over all was awesome. A rocky start but once we got shit in our system everything turned out fine.
i slept so good. Woke up around 3, jon was calling me. I love him more then anyting, even though we get into these gay ass fights by the end the night were all good. Were both hella stuborn and we never wanna back down... i dont know but im going to stick with him and be by his side no matter what. i would kill for him.

i wanna do something fun tonight.

by the way. Im stuck at work, and this sucks so bad. Im really hungry and i would do anything to be some where else... anywhere but here.

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ill keep you from sinking. [16 Nov 2005|04:37pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

i want to start all over.
i hate the person i am sometimes. I know everyone feels this way... im changing. no fucking doubt about it. I want to better myself. i over look everything, and i think way to much. Even my boyfriend agrees. He is the only person besides others who understands me. Who gets me. He has hope in me, he sees me for me.. and thats all i need.
im going to church tonight, and maybe for once ill actually pray...

2 comments|post comment

[12 Nov 2005|11:20am]
[ mood | hungry ]

i hung out with cait and ab last night. It was great. We didnt do much but that was okay... i saw tons of people i havent seen in awhile. I guess i kinda miss them... jon went to the city last night. I missed him, he got drunk and stayed the night at his friends... im glad he had fun. I missed like crazy though.
Im leaving work early today because im going to Megans Baby shower. My mom made a bean dip, and i cant wait to eat that shit because im so hungry.
work is gay.
i cant wait to see my poota later.

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[10 Nov 2005|05:16pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

everything is great.

2 comments|post comment

love and love and happy afternoons [06 Nov 2005|12:02pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i hope it rains.. i really fucking do.
im hanging out with jon after work and i cant wait to see him.
i saw him for a bit last night but he was drunk off his ass..
so it didnt count.
he has been acting funny, it feels like hes not end to me.
but i could be thinking to much, because thats what i always do.

i cant wait to get off work and see him. <3

4 comments|post comment

You know I'll call you eventually, when i wanna talk, till then you're invisible [05 Nov 2005|10:36am]
i found this cake song.. i didnt even know they did a remake of I will Survive. Cake is awesome. puts me in a good mood..
last night was took the strength right out of me. I got basically zero sleep. I woke up this morning with HUGE bags around my eyes, my eyes were all puffed out. It looked like i got punched in the face. i got up and got ready for work. Nothing to special... i feel like shit. I have NO idea where me and jon stand as of right now, but for some reason im not to worried about it. I mean last night ment alot to me.. i took in every word he said to me, and i took everything to heart as well, but im going to ignore the fact that my pride is ruined, and go about my business...things will be changing... i feel nothing.

"I'm staring out into that vacuum again
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible

cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing.

well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west
I've got a friend there she says,
"hey anytime"
unless that offers expired
I have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation
to indulge every whim
and I'm so ungrateful, I take
she gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it

and each morning she wakes
with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed
in her beautiful mind
i say, "I'll trade you one
for two nightmares of mine,
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die"

I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
and I'm always changing my mind
well I guess I am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when I kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a goddamn hypocrite

but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
and so I do what I do, and at least I exist
what could mean more than this?"
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im sorry, but i cant just go turn off how i feel. [04 Nov 2005|06:44pm]
[ mood | drained ]

why do i let myself get this way... why did i ever have to fall for him this hard... i wish sometimes i never met him. I know that sounds mean.. but its harder to let go of the things when your in love with it.
what does love mean anyway?... i used to know. I'm not to sure of it now.. then again im having my doubts with alot of things...
you would think after alomost 10 months of going out you would know this person inside and out. I thought i knew him... little did i know. I have to except the fact that people change... its just hard seeing the one person you love change into this stranger. I dont know how to act around him anymore.. im scared to say certain things because i dont know want him to blow up, i do what he wants when he wants. I'm there in a heart beat when he needs me.
i just want respect. Respect isnt calling their girlfriend a bitch, respect isnt cutting them off short on the phone when Im trying to speak, respect isnt blowing them off, respect isnt lieing.
ive gotten myself into this mess, i just need to get myself out. and i dont know how.
im trying really hard to work on things that bother him, the least he can do is do the same for me.
im no longer his best friend it seems, im no longer the person he wants to talk too, im no longer the one he thinks about all the time, its seems hes got other things on his mind. it feels like im not what he needs...

his birthday is coming up and ive been stressing out, figuring out the perfect thing to get him, Its his day and i want him to be happy. Thats just the person i am...
he can be the biggest FUKCING dick in the world and i would still do anything to make him happy.

im so pathetic.

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well it takes one to know one, kid, i think you got it bad. [03 Nov 2005|02:25pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

halloween ended up turning out fine. It was unexpected i must say. I went over to my friend Joe's house where he had everyone come over and chill. Jon came over there.. with the help of my invite. I'm glad everything is all boiled over with Marco and what not. Not like him and I hated eachother or anything.. you would think it would be a little awkward considering the reason why jon broke up with me in the first place was because of marco. But everything went well. Just a bunch of drunk people... it was nice.
/// Im feeling a bit down today. I hate the wind and its really starting to feel like winter now. Its nice to have some change though. Jon didnt show up for work today because he was to hung over. I knew he was really drunk last night... he called me expressing his feelings and he almost made me cry at fucking 1:00 in the fucking morning. I hope he ment everything he said to be... it would have been a waste if he didnt remember a damn thing he said to me.// i feel kinda bad when his mom called me earlier today asking me if im coming to her little party thing tomorrow night. I said it was depending on jon and what he wanted to do. Were planning on going to Davis and what now. I would hate to tell her im going to be there and then not show up. But chances are im going...then she went on about how jon is sick and that she feels bad. If only she knew her son had a hang over.
He stays up way to late,he smokes alot,drinks beer like no other... ALL on the week days.
its one thing to do that and take care of your business..its another thing to be irresponsible.
i know hes smart, and i know he has the Potential of doing great things with his life... thats why i dated him the the first place...

i got my grades in.. i must say im damn good.

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someone handle me warm again, all i want is not to need you now. [31 Oct 2005|04:10pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

so today is Halloween. How exciting, well i was...
I dont know what happen but before i knew it jon and I were fighting. It started off by him telling me i was drama, and thats all i am.. oh and that i cant help it. I at first didnt say anything.. i didnt even wanna get into it. So he was laying down on the couch and i rubbed his back and told him i loved him and said in a nice tone how it kinda hurt my feelings when he said that. What does he do?? rolls his eyes, and said " im sorry, but you are" It seems like thats the only thing he does when i tell him things like this. It just got worse after that... before you know it hes telling me shut the fuck up. That hurt the most more then him pushing me away.. when really he was in the wrong and there was me.. saying sorry for GOD KNOWS WHAT// just because i want things to be okay with us...
its just hard to believe the way he makes me feel sometimes. Ive been told even by his good friend that he does say some fucked up things to me... and he wonders why i dont say anything, and its because of that SAME REASON.. we will end up fighting like this.. Jon never used to be like this. He used to love me more then fucking anything in the world, treat me with respect... now its so much different. He says hurtfull things.. and he wont even say sorry for it... when really thats all i want.
so im taken it im spending this halloween alone. with out my so called boyfriend...
he will be out getting drunk and probably having the best time of his life.. while i feel like shit.

thats just how it goes with me.

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You just have to live, so i do what i do and at least i exist. What would mean more then this. [30 Oct 2005|10:29am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Last night was great. Jon really did make it up to me. It didnt take much. It really was just Him and I last night. We played video games, ate pizza with the family, and chilled. I know it doesnt sound much..but thats all it took for me to have a good time.
//after work him and I are carving pumkins.Its so weird how time flys by. I mean, its already Halloween. Before you know it this year is going to be over.

1 comment|post comment

why so blue green man? [29 Oct 2005|03:47pm]
[ mood | bored ]

ehh.. as you can tell my last post i was pretty much in a bad mood.// everything is better now, he always finds a way to make things better.

tonight i dont know what is planned.. so you tell me?

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you think about yourself to much and you ruin who you love. [29 Oct 2005|09:36am]
[ mood | blah ]

last night was everything i expected to be. I knew the minute jon wanted kenny to come along on our date everything was going to change. The best part of last night would probably be when i got to see alexis, oh and the movie. Everything else was a let down. As usual i eneded up crying my eyes out. I felt so unwanted by jon and kenny... they wanted me to go home early so they could go to some party and wouldnt have to worry about taking me home. Well they got what they wanted, Jon.. MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND... straight out took my ass home. I knew he didnt want me around. I could just see it..
what an awful feeling, eh.
If i remember right he said tonight is going to be OUR night.. and can just chill.. but i highly doubt that. Something will come up and we will end up at some party. so maybe he should have thought about what he was telling me before he said it.. all im in for tonight is another lie.


my horoscope, how funny is thisCollapse )

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Your arms in mine,any time,wouldnt change anything your still my everything. [27 Oct 2005|10:53am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I woke up this morning and i couldnt even make it out of bed. I told my mom i wasnt going to school. She got pretty pissed and told me that i miss to many days,But i still continued to tone her out and sleep. I called jon this morning... of course all i got out of him was some mumbles. The only thing i can make out was "im tired and i miss you". // last night he was adorable. i had cramps that hurt like bitch. It just all of a sudden HIT me and im surprised i didnt cry. because i cry over everything. but he tried his best to make me feel better. We did my favorite thing to do with him, which consist of lime drinks, pillows,blankets, and video games. It was perfect considering outside was all muggy.
// we are perfect for eachother// things with us are going percfect..i couldnt ask for anything more.

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